Inside a Mind

As I awoke I looked around.  I had forgotten where I had fallen asleep the night before, but I knew it was not there.  I was lying on a cold blue floor, and looking at a blue dome.  Low, orange lights flickered in the ceiling.

                No, no, no.  Stop and think.  The link is here, just hidden within my skin.  My skin?  Is that where I am?

                I kept thinking within my skin, and every time I did I felt an odd pulse beneath my feet.  It thumped into my throat and rang in my ears.  I tried to stop, but I kept thinking.

I’m in my skin. I’m in my skin. I am inside myself.

The beating dropped on my chest, then inside my chest until my eyes were burning with tears.  I stumbled as the pounding shook the room.  A thump came from behind me, and I lurched around to see what it was.  Nothing.  Then it sounded to my right.  Nothing.  My left.  Under, above, around, inside, and I screamed,

“Stop!”

It stopped.  A door opened at the far end of the room, and I walked towards it, trembling.

A door in my body?  Where to?  Is it all the way through?  Maybe I can escape my insides, and avoid my own eyes.

As I stepped through the door, I beheld a sight that I had never seen.  Before me, spanning a great expanse was the ocean.  Across a golden horizon green gilded waves crashed upon amber rocks.  The gray seashore skirted the edge of the waves as they rolled up the land.  I stepped onto the beach and my feet sank slowly into the sand.  The cool wet layer of sediment beneath the surface covered my toes, and a gentle breeze wafted up off the water.  The cries of gulls sang with the wash of the tide as it mounted the beach.  I breathed deep gulps of the salty air as I stood.

Here is the best of me.  This is my peace.  My beauty is soothing and moving to me.

                I walked along the beach, gazing into the setting sun.  A red streak tore the hazy gold as the sun dropped lower in the sky, the sign of a starry night.  As I walked, I came upon a rock that jutted out of the sand, black and ugly.  Many grooves covered its somber surface, all with names engraved in them.  All the names I had ever taken on, whether good or bad were carved delicately into the rock.  At the pinnacle of the rock, which was much larger than it had seemed, a head was carved.  Six eyes, ears, and mouths had been hewn from the stone.

                What is this?

                Suddenly, the stone eyes and mouths opened.  The great stone head bent down, and looked at me.

                And come again? It asked.

                What are you? I stammered.  The six eyes closed in pain, and a deep throaty groan echoed from the six mouths.

                What am I?  Why, I am the measure of a man who was formed by a man.  All men have a measure, and consequently my kind is numerous. Tell me human, am I beautiful? the rock asked.

                Beautiful, no.  Frightening yes! I exclaimed.  The great rock groaned another deep groan, and a groove was added to the rest.  In it, the word frightening formed.

                Then frightening I shall be! the rock bellowed.  It began to grow, and it grew to so enormous a height that it blocked out the sun.  The rock rumbled and an armada of black clouds gathered around his head.

                Look at me human, and hear what I say!  I am your measure, and from you I was made.  My blackness is yours, and these names are all too.  Now bow down before me, my power is true!  You have been weighed and been measured as chaff.  Your beauty you cherish only serves me to laugh.  Now bow.  Bow!  You are nothing but dust! You are my own, there are none but us!

                Lightning shredded the sky, and the roar of thunder shook the earth.  The waves rose and churned about the base of the rock.  Before I could move I was swept into the tempest.  A wave threw me into the air, and then another slammed me into the ocean.  I tried to swim, but the frigid water numbed my limbs.  Through the green ocean I saw the bowels of the rock open up.  Fire and black smoke poured from the abyss, and the waves around it started to boil.  I screamed and tried to swim to safety, but the rock began to suck the waters into the chasm.  It laughed as I cried and fought to be free.

                Save yourself human, overthrow me if you can!

                Lord, Lord, forgive me! I wept.  What have I become to come to such an end as I have?  Wasted, all wasted!

                As I wept beneath the gale, and choked on the bitter waters, a light pierced through the storm.  It broke the head from the rock, and sent it tumbling down into the foam.  Then, it barreled into my chest, and sent me plummeting into the thick darkness of the ocean.  On, and on I fell.  I fell till no light could be seen.  I closed my eyes, and fell asleep.

                I woke up in a field of wheat.  As I stared up, past the towering stalks, I saw the same blue and orange sky I had seen in the first room.  I was still in my own mind.

                How did I come here?  How do I get out?

                “Get out of your mind?  Are you out of your mind?” a voice cried.  I leapt to my feet, my heart racing, to see who had spoken and found myself beneath the boughs of a towering oak.  The tree had a kindly face, and he rolled a root over so that I could sit down.

                “Well, well,” he sighed.  “And what makes you so keen to break out of your own mind.  It is yours after all.”

                I don’t care to stay in a place so vile, even if it is my own.

                “Oh, ho ho!” the tree chuckled.  “Yes, a mind can be a nasty thing if it is not tended to.  Don’t be too hasty though.  There is someone that wants to meet you.”

                Who?

                “Why, the King of the Great City!  Did you expect another?  I suppose I do not know what to expect you to expect, except that it probably will not be what I expected.  He has been sending His ambassador to me regularly, but until now I could not get any messages past that tyrannous rock in your beauty.”

                Why? What would he do with a message?

                “Nothing, but he cannot accept any words from the King, because if he did he would be plucked from you like a thorn from the skin,” the oak said.

                I would like that very much.

                “I would as well,” the oak sighed. “You cannot expel his presence alone however.”  Then, the oak opened itself up like a door and urged me to step through.

                I would much rather stay here with you, I protested.

                “Where you are going, I will be, though not in this form,” the oak replied, smiling.  Then, I consented to walk through the hole in the tree, but before I did, I asked the oak his name.  With a laugh and a rustle of leaves he said, “Faith.”

                I stepped into a classroom, no larger than a foyer, where three very old men sat talking.  Each had a white beard, and white robes.

                Why sir, I concur with your point completely.  Man cannot be ruled, for mankind are the highest beings in existence.  Logically, we were made to rule ourselves.

                Indeed Pride, for if we are denied our desires that we dearly guard it violates our humanity.  I have the right to choose the object of my affection!

                Yes Lust, but can we trust even our own race with our hearts?

                Nay Fear, we cannot.  We must be our own masters, Pride said.  Like this they sat and discussed for quite a while, oblivious of or uninterested in my presence.  Then, another man entered the room.  He was clearly much older than the three, but he had no beard.  He walked tall and free, without the stooping agedness the other men possessed.

                Hello, God, the three old men grumbled. God pulled up a chair and sat down.

                “I heard your arguments you old fellows, for I hear all, and I have come to set the record straight,” God said.  “Firstly, Pride, man is not the supreme power in this universe, I am.  It is by my will that the human race lives.  It is by my leave that they draw breath upon the earth.  Dare you exalt in pride, you Pride, creation over creator?  Is not a servant set below, the master his allegiance owes?  You would not understand though, Pride.  From you this mystery I hide.  That man I made that I would reign, in unity with people plain.  With sons and daughters valued high, but free from pride, and lust, and lies.  Of this great joy you won’t partake, for set in evil is your stake.  My bet though will see me through, and your wager will destroy you.”

                “Secondly, I made humans to love what’s good.  Their frames are made for righteousness.  And if they seek it, as they should, they will be free of frightfulness.  The aching pains and sores that meet, the wicked on their hands and feet, won’t be withheld from in their hearts, but burn with pain in all their parts.  For this I have not made mankind, but love and joy and peace of mind.  I will not yield their hearts to you, you hear my words Lust they are true.”

                “God, do you not think that your absolutism is dangerous?”  Fear squealed.

                “Oh, Fear,” God began.  “I am glad you are here to hear with your itching ears my answer to cowardice and the likes.  I am bold, not stoic and old, like you would wish deep in your cold assumptions.  Do you think I do not care, that you catch my sons in your snare?  Do you think that I will relent, or is my energy all spent?  In my children I’ll have no part that keeps them from my father heart.  Silence you, now, you worthless sows, and return to your true state.  Not wise or prudent, nor judicious or kind.  You vile worms to dust I’ll send, and you will never rise again!”  With this, the old men transformed into grubs, and God stamped them out with the heel of His shoe.  I was so terrified by His anger that I drew back.

                “Do not fear my son, you have my favor,” God said to me.

                “My Lord, How can I not tremble before such a display?” I asked.

                “Tremble, for it is good that you know my power.  I have laid my eyes on you though, and once my favor is bestowed, it is not easily removed.  These monsters in your heart I’ve slain, to be with you and heal your pain.  My heart it yearns you answer yes, for I will give you righteousness.”

                There came up in me a flavor so strange, that I knew it not entirely my own.  Such a strong love I felt for God’s heart that I gasped beneath its weight.  God saw the look upon my countenance, and I knew that He knew that I loved Him.  He leapt across the room with a great laugh, and he took a hold of my hand.

                “This token I will give to you, to show you that my love is true.  Here in your heart I’ll make my home.  Now what is mine is now your own.  My child I will speak to you, until this current age is through.  Then my kingdom with you I’ll share, when Zion comes down from the air.”  As god spoke a mark formed on my arm, blazing like it had been branded.  I looked into God’s eyes, those fiery, mysterious eyes. 

                My eyes opened.  I was in my room again.  The soft breeze of my fan swirled around me.  I wondered if it was real until I looked down.  On my arm, still hot, was the mark God had given me.